Thin line : The last hour and the dawn

It was a hot afternoon. I walked along the promenade, with sweat trickling down from my scalp to forehead.

Thinking if I should continue walking, I drop pace. No other option seemed viable at the moment to utilize my time, as also to reach home. I had frugal money to eat out or hire a taxi, hardly any friends to stop by and no other means to pass my time. So, I walked and walked.

 

I remember wishing at that time, if I could walk my way out from the miserable world I had created for myself. That was the time when I was actively looking out for a day job, the 9 to 6 types ; which was post getting fed up with practicing visualization, affirmations and positive thinking daily.

Creative expression is a gift. And I, always believed I was born to create. Although everyone was born to create something or the other in their own different ways, I especially believed this to be true for myself.

I thought theatre was something which was my true calling. Simply because, I’d started enjoying it too much. And, I’ve read one feels joyful and a sense of peace in pursuing things that are part of one’s purpose. I was clueless why on earth, was the path of my purpose giving me so much pain, and testing my faith.

Any opportunities that arose never seemed to materialize. After reigniting my faith numerous times by reading success stories of other actors and wondering what was going wrong at the time of any slip-ups, I finally gave up.

Three years is a substantial amount of time. I had quit my job to follow this dream. All because, I had dared to believe in the signs I got along the way; that I’m meant to do this. Also, I was quickly becoming good at the craft.

Three years down the line, it feels like one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Being still dependent on family for my expenses was disempowering. I wasn’t getting any parts to play let alone desirable ones. Needless to say, my chosen path had very soon started feeling burdensome to me.

How could I ever be such a crackhead to even believe in such crap? Who tricked me into believing the popular “follow your dream-nonsense”?  Why the hell did I let myself ignore the hard realities of life? I wish I could get my three years back, I thought.

A green and black spotted butterfly fluttered around me thrice, breaking my spell of self-loathing. Butterflies and other nature creatures are signs sent from Heaven, I’ve read; to let us know we’re loved and not alone.

However, I’d never felt more alone in my life at the time. More so, because I had followed the so called “guidance” which did not quite seem to be guiding me to my purpose.  I was desperately trying to find a job; any job that could help me shore up to a financially self-sufficient level.

At first, I ignored the butterfly. I just didn’t want to pay any attention towards it and thereby sway my focus away from practicality, committing another mistake. When it fluttered near me the fourth time, just when I was checking mail for a job interview on my cell phone, I lost my calm.

“I don’t fu***** care about anyone’s fu***** calling! I need a job, and I’m going to get it now. I’ve had enough of your spiritual non-sense. Being an actor isn’t part of my purpose. Either you mislead me or I misinterpreted the signs. All I have today are pending bills that badger me, chunks of money I owe people, naysayers gnawing at me constantly and unfulfilled dreams glaring at me every night I go to bed!”

I was shouting at the top of my lungs sitting near the sea. Shouting at whom? God ofcourse. I was growing increasingly frustrated. The load of crippled abilities is far heavier than an actually handicapped organ, I thought.

“So, what were you expecting on your path? Medals and Oscars and gold pots as soon as you embark on your journey?” A lean, fair-complexioned, graceful looking man, aged around 50, spoke as he saw me cursing God and my destiny.

I looked at him in such a rage that I felt flesh would melt out of my face. “I mean, who the hell he is and what the fu** he knows about my life and struggles”, I thought. He looked like a well put-up person, who’s just enjoying a leisurely evening at the beach.

I chose not to respond to him and turned my head away.

Passing an all-knowing smirk, the man said,” It could take several years for some people to merely set the wheels in motion, let alone any forward momentum. I struggled for twelve years in my life, before becoming a film maker. I thought I would collapse with my unutilized potential, that had quickly started feeling lethal to me.”

Something clicked within my head. I immediately saw the word “Mirage” flashing before my eyes. It was a vision, my inner voice told me. At first, I did not understand what the vision meant. Nevertheless, I turned my head towards him.

“I’m Ness. Sorry about everything, I did not notice anyone around me. I’m just going through moments of occasional weakness. Life seems to be out to get me,” I replied to him with a faint smile.

“Life’s always fair. The greatest illusion is a belief in its unfairness – to believe that it plays favorites with a chosen few while gives a hard time to others. You want success, you will get success. Period. However, in order to get success, you have to be success. A state of constant grumbling and frustration will in no way, project you to be successful,” the man said.

“What films do you make,” I asked him, with hopes slowly getting reignited.

“Post directing plays and living practically on a shoestring, I got a job as an assistant director at a major production house. Realizing my creativity had been put on the backburner, I wrote a book in frustration. Ever heard of Mirage? Well, I’m the author of that book.

With gaping eyes and mouth I exclaimed,” The one creating swirls on the bestseller shelves? Which is now being converted to a movie? I mean, am I sitting with Arthur Nelson? I cannot believe even I could get so fu***** lucky!”

“That’s your problem - you don’t believe you are success. So, success is left with no choice but to elude you,” he said.

But how can I be success? I’m broke right now. No one knows I’m an actor and a good one for that matter which makes me feel unfulfilled. Doesn’t success has to do with money fame and job satisfaction?”

“No. Recounting my personal experience, I can’t help but believe that success has got nothing to do with all of that. All those are merely byproducts or after-effects of success. Success for me means clearly knowing what I want, and knowing I’m honestly working towards it. Success for me is living life on my own terms, without getting weighed down by world standards. Success for me is retiring for the night and going to bed with peace tucked in my soul, daily.”

“The day I started believing this and being success, the thing which I used to chase the most, shook hands with me,” Arthur said with a beaming confidence, peace emanating from his eyes.

I got up and sat close to him. After arguing with myself back and forth, I eventually asked him,  “So, what are you currently working at, post Mirage? Could you give me an opportunity to audition for a part in any of your projects?”

“Why do you think I intervened into the conversation you were having with God?” He laughed out loud.

“ I am planning to make an indie film. After spending several months searching for the one who could play the character I have in mind, I’d come to the beach to ask for signs from the Universe. And here was my sign, fighting with life. Serendipity, it’s called,” he said while staring at the sea and smiling joyously.

A mirthful wave churned within me. However, fear quickly tried to crush it. With mixed feelings of joy, fear, doubt and confusion, I mustered up the courage to ask what he meant by it.

“I’m sorry, are you talking about…?”

“Yeah, and he’s still dwelled in doubts, just like the character of my film. Thursday - 7.00 am. Same place. I don’t like late-comers. Had two other people who gave you a fairly close run. Blowed them off since they did not value time”.

Arthur stood up, dusted the sand from the back of his jeans and walked away.

I picked up his card he had dropped on the sand.

Light kissed my sun-tanned cheekbones gently as the evening headed towards dusk. Smile just did not seem to leave my lips that evening.